Der Wille zur Macht

As a young child of seven or so when bedtime had come and my parents had said goodnight, having left on a light for me (we lived in the deep woods of Alabama, isolated, and there were always noises from shadows and critters in the dark dark night), there was a period one summer wherein I would sit in the bed cross-legged and focus my childish mind on that bare bulb overhead in my bedroom. I do not remember how it came to me, but I found myself nightly focusing my mind again and again on making that dim light bulb go out. For several weeks I concentrated on that each night, until I fell asleep.

One night I thought I glimpsed the light dimming, but I fell asleep so quickly that in the morning I decided, no, I had only imagined that. The next night, nothing happened. Over and over I would strain to focus, only to fall asleep while the light burned on. It never “dimmed” again. I convinced myself it never really had dimmed at all.

Still, when I awoke the next morning, sometimes the light was out.

My childlike mind figured either I had finally made it happen, had made the light extinguish– *or* my parents simply had turned the light off before waking me. Either way, that was not important, not at all; what was important was that I was methodical in trying to focus my attention, was striving to maintain focus for an extended period, was trying to make my will strong.
Although I continued the practice all that summer, I never mentioned my pastime to anyone,  perhaps because it was merely a playtime activity, a way of passing time before sleep, or maybe I did not mention it because I felt I had always failed at it.
You see, I didn’t really care if my parents turned the light off, or if the light went off by itself after I had fallen asleep. Both options were beside the point. What mattered was me actually seeing that bulb go out *while* I was willing it to do so. I wanted to know it was because of me, directly and only, happening in the present moment. I wanted to be certain my will could influence inanimate objects, just with thoughts. And so, because I could never make the light go out while I was looking at it, I lost interest in trying to make it happen, and I stopped that practice just before school started again.
“Ein traum, ein traum ist unser leben auf erden hier…”
 A  few years later in Munich I learned to appreciate philosophers and debate classes, and to think logically and to rebut quickly. That proved helpful in school work and socially. (Because I could quote a few sentences from various philosophers, I found that many people tended to assume I actually knew what I was talking about. )

By the time I was sixteen I had become a devout follower of Nietzsche:

“If we affirm one moment, we thus affirm not only ourselves but all existence.For nothing    is self-sufficient, neither in us ourselves nor in things; and if our soul has trembled with happiness and sounded like a harp-string just once, all eternity was needed to produce this one event – and in this single moment of affirmation all eternity was called good, redeemed, justified, and affirmed.”

Soon enough I discovered that many people are drawn not only to words well used, but to will-power. Naturally, I became an actor.

Rehearsals in high school were held evenings for three hours, and so I would bicycle to the auditorium at dusk, and then bike home alone in the dark. One night as I pedaled homeward, an overhead streetlight went out as I passed below. Poof. Black night.
I had forgotten that lightbulb exercise from my Alabama childhood, but the memory returned as I pedaled on, and I wondered about cause and effect, and about how much time that might take, since again I had started really focusing (learning lines, paying attention closely for hours, effecting my will and attention for extended periods) with discipline, with will, with intent.
Nietzsche was surely smiling, I thought.
One night biking home late after a performance, a gang of hooligans started throwing rocks at me, vicious teens, hard sharp rocks. As I began to grow truly afraid, the streetlight around us suddenly went out, and they laughed as I escaped into the darkness.
Even now a streetlight may go dark as I pass in the night. This has been happening regularly now for over fifty years. Whatever city I am in, whoever I am with: driving, biking, or walking–streetlights extinguish as I pass.
“Ein traum, ein traum ist unser leben auf erden hier…”
Looking back now to that child at home in the deep country woods at night who sat alone in bed focusing on a lightbulb… if only I had willed that bulb to glow brighter, rather than to be extinguished… what a different life I might have known, what a different person I might have become.

hip hop

All morning I had been feeling  a strong inclination to visit some yogis whom I had known decades ago, but with no address at hand I had only a vague destination in mind, trusting that the end of the road would become clear as I proceeded.

Mapless, I entered  the car, invoked the guidance and protection of Ganesha and my teacher, started the engine, and waited for direction. For a while I idled in the driveway. Only when I felt subtly moved by the spirit did I then back out, turn the wheels, and move the gear into forward. For several minutes I was moving north at 2 miles an hour, then at a T intersection I `felt’ which way to make the turn, then another turn, and another, and so on until a larger road opened. At last I felt even more direct nudges of guidance and soon was moving at the full speed limit, 65, heading south.

The thought ,”Where is the exit” did not occur, nor concern me.

I had no thoughts, so also had no distractions. I had an idea where I was going, but no names of streets or towns  to go by, yet within an hour I was, literally, at the end of the road, and there was a gate, open, and standing in the sunlight was a woman I had not spoken with in over thirty years. This was an ashram, deep in the woods between Malibu and Agoura.

That was some months ago and I have made other visits since, the most recent of which was Sunday, July 8, 2012–but this time when I set out I was running late for a scheduled event there, and at first I drove fast even though I did not recognize any signs along the way. It was as though I not only had forgotten the route but also was driving through deep mental fog. For mile after mile I found neither visible or invisible signs, no inner promptings on when to turn or which way to go. (Before setting out I felt certain I knew the way by heart now–and I had not thanked Ganesha… besides,  I was running late.)  At last I recognized a street name so turned, but  it led me in the wrong direction, so after a half-mile or so I  turned around and went back, beyond where I had entered, only to find a dead end. (It was the right street name, but this end did not connect to the road I needed.) Such a foggy day in this old grey head!

Retracing the route was a long slow drive with more false exits and you-turns, and only when all frantic thoughts (I’m late/I’m lost) subsided did I recognize another familiar street name. Upon taking that turn at last I remembered in full the remaining way. Within a few minutes I was turning onto the ashram road, but wait–a hundred feet ahead was an expensive late-model luxury sedan pulled off to the right side. I sensed that driver too was waiting to find the way forward so I slowed…, and sure enough the driver suddenly pulled in front of me, and together we proceeded to, literally, the end of the road.

We each sought parking inside the grounds and I, sitting in the car, chose to close my eyes, watch the breath, listen to the hum in the head, gathering presence* and thanks to all for allowing me again to find this place. This was a scheduled event, and I had arrived late, well after the announced start of the function, but I needed to calm my mind before sharing it with yogis.

When I opened my eyes I found the other driver also had not yet gotten out of the car, and now we both decided at the same time to leave our vehicles for the walk to the temple. That driver, a woman in white, took the high road, while I, in gray shirt and trousers, took the lower path to the bridge leading to the temple. I could see across the bridge were two women residents, also in white, standing at the temple steps, and as the lady driver greeted them, the three went inside together. As I approached the doorway I saw ample ladies shoes left outside, but only one pair of manly shoes, to which I added my own. I opened the men’s white door, and stepped inside onto the deep blue rug. There was silence. The event had not begun.

That Sunday was the 18th anniversary of the re-naming of this forest hermitage, from the The Vedantic Center to The Sai Anantam Ashram. Many residents and devotees soon enough came forward to speak of their experience and love as the event formally began.

An older gent talked about his visit to Los Angeles on the previous evening, where he had learned first-hand something new to him about hip hop, which he defines now as an acronym for

h igher

i nfinite

p ower

h elping

o ur

p eople

The way he said ‘helping our people’– his sincerity and heartache was so simple and clear I could feel the pain of an entire people speaking through his heart.

Later a young girl sang a new song for this special event, an adult then respectfully chanted a hymn of the Guru, a lady read from a hallowed book, and then songs written by Swamini began, a blend of Indian raag and jazz, so uplifting and energetic I went into deep meditation surrounded in love and devotion.

After only a few songs I found myself rising to leave, and outside as I sat on the steps to put on my shoes, that hip happy gentleman came to me and asked, “You are not staying for prasad?” I raised my head to see his face and said, “I thought I was, but it seems no, I’m not staying… but just the body is going, you know.” He laughed and I chuckled with him and then he said, “I must tell you,” then he paused as if thinking, then continued, “the first time you came here, you… you caused quite a stor…. you know? ” (To this day I do not know if he meant ‘storm’ or `story,’ and did not he quickly said) “-but you disappeared so fast and when you came again you didn’t speak with anyone, and now you’re disappearing again.” He was smiling, but he also seemed to be waiting for me to explain.

In my first visit I had recognized several residents from long ago, and dining with them I had spoken of things that came to mind from memory, reminding some of details they had forgotten, and others of matters I intuited about them. With this dear man now, for example, a fellow whom I had never met until that first visit, I had spoken openly of things about him which none of his fellow brothers or sisters knew, and when I said them they laughed and said, “no he never did that,” but then he corrected them, and said, “Don’t react so fast… he’s right, I did do that.”

I mention this now because after that initial visit, this chat on the steps was the only occasion any resident had spoken again with me, or I with them. I was very touched by his kindness and so I stood to embrace him, and he in turn embraced me; two old men, standing outside a temple, embracing one another in sunlight.

I whispered in his right ear, “I want to tell you because you have come out here, speaking with me now the way you did: I love You” and holding me he whispered in my right ear, “I love you.”  I took his strong hands in mine and stepped back to look at him, at which out of my mouth came these sounds: “so many broken hearts to heal…”

He said nothing. I said nothing more, and we parted for my long, silent drive home, knowing one day, one good day, you would hear this.






regarding “presence*__

                     ~guyatree adds:


It is 2:17am July 29, 2012. Ads have begun appearing on my URL at WordPress. I pay for the url and for other extras. I in no wise approve of any advertising to be associated with my creative work, and it is  being done here without notification to me or permission from me. Dear reader, should you agree with my outlook, please do not purchase anything from the advertiser or from WordPress.

Jai Siva Sai



Homeless in paradise

This city hosts the Reagan Library, in the golden state, in the United States of America. It’s a small town, with small-town values, and several millionaires.

Bike ways and walk ways abound.  Our sole freeway links the city to Los Angeles and to Santa Barbara, while local buses run to every corner of the city, so you could drive, bus or train to (or from) just about anywhere.

There are well-tended public parks every half-mile or so, and a state-of-the-art senior center serving hot meals for two bucks. The library next door is free to all seven days a week, with wifi , and no one is kicked out for talking, or for sleeping.

At dawn this morning my dog Buddhi and I walked to a large park near the library where she can chase squirrels. She never catches one, and they seem to delight in teasing her, waiting for her to get just close enough to maybe catch one, then all scampering up trees just high enough to be out of reach and then turn to look down at the dog, laughing with that clicking noise squirrels make when they are dominant,

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure coming toward us, (us being me, the dog, the squirrels) and made out the approaching person was female, maybe in her late forties as her gait was weary and slow. To make her feel easy I leashed Buddhi and waited for the lady to pass.

As she got closer I saw I had been wrong… while her body did look middle-aged, her face was that of a teenager, blond hair, no make-up, no purse. I sensed there was something amiss, but kept my distance and only smiled as she walked by.

She came over to say hello to the dog, not so much as even looking at me as she knelt to the dog. Sensing her kindness Buddhi replied to her with great affection, standing to lick her face. She then looked at me and said, “Critters love me, ” and smiled.  Her face was clean and lovely, and I noted she was wearing loose-fitting pj’s and cloth houseslippers with no socks. (Sometimes neighbors will come out somewhat casual like this, walking their pets, but not here, not in this large park, so because of her appearance she ‘felt’ different.)  I asked the young girl, “You ok?” She said nothing, petting the dog, then softly said to Buddhi, “I’m ok, huh doggie? We’re both ok, aren’t we.”

I asked how I could help.

“Oh I’m ok, really. I got a car back that way, and my fiancee is coming to bring me some clothes, that’s why I’m here, we have an appointment and he’s late so I walked out here to see if maybe he was around. I’m ok. I like your dog. I have  a doggie too, but he stays in the car cuz he isn’t licensed.”

I asked if she knew about our city social services. She knew them well. “I went to that one down there a mile or so, and the one on the other side of town, and the food bank too. They can’t help. See I was on welfare and it’s all used up so I’m not eligible for help now.”

I asked if she needed food or drink or money or laundry help. “Naw, really I’m ok.” She looked at me for the  first time directly in the eye and said, “I get by asking people if I can clean their house, or yard, or something, whatever they need, but the past few months, seems like everybody is having a tough time now, not many people are able to help like they used to.”  I asked what I could do. ” Nothin’.. nothin’, It’s ok. I don’t drink or take anything and I’m not… I’m not a bad person.” I knew what she meant.

Numbering the homeless here this year, volunteers met one hundred ninety-six men and seventy-four women, including eighteen folks over the age of sixty-two, and nineteen who are aged eighteen to twenty-four.

It’s a small town, with small-town values, and several millionaires.


Purportedly the Zen teacher Suzuki roshi was never heard to say he was enlightened, and when asked by a reporter about that, his wife replied to the questioner, ‘that’s because he isn’t!’

In my mind’s eye I can see the roshi rubbing his head and smiling. I can also see the wife not smiling.

Married guys might get that; wives more often see the warts and farts in the everyday husband, see more the buddy in him than any buddha. My own wife, who is quite frankly a saint, sometimes criticizes me for being arrogant or mean while at the same time I claim to be enlightened. (It does me no good whatsoever to point out I do not claim to be enlightened.) Pressed for specifics, I admit I do say I am awakening, and by that I mean just as I go to sleep every night, I awaken every morning. The raised eyebrow and grimace on her face tells me I need to clarify so I add, “Enlightened sounds like you were unenlightened and then pow one fine day suddenly and forever after you are enlightened, no more changes.”

To that assertion, my wife replies, “but that is exactly what enlightenment is! All the masters say so, and besides it doesn’t matter what you or I call it, you are not an illumined being so just come down off your high horse and take out the trash, now.”

I reply, `Yes, dear’

Later that day…

NPR is talking about Jamaican runners who train in their own country, using a discipline of relaxation to increase power and vitality. Does that work? The head coach in reply asks the interviewer, “Did you ever see a Jamaican runner suddenly come from the back and rush past all the front runners to win?”. The interviewer says ‘Yes,’ and the coach says “No, you saw no such thing–what you saw was the Jamaican maintaining his pace throughout, and the other runners losing power and falling back.”

I think awakening is sort of like that. Once awake, you learn to be steady and to proceed relaxed, moment by moment, day by day, thereby awakening a little more each day,  and continuing forward.

I tell this story of the Jamaican runners to my wife, who replies with that look and the words

“Yes, dear”